to me Make and keep friends, the theory of risk regulation suggests that we not only need to be safer. We need to make others safe. We need to become sanctuaries of attachment, safety terrain, and we can do that by showing affection. Making others feel safe is not just an act of selflessness for the benefit of our friends; It is in our interest. We’ve learned that safe people are best friendsThey are more vulnerable, authentic and take more initiatives. When we let our friends know that they are loved and accepted, they let their guard down and melt into a secure pro-relationship situation. They feel comfortable starting with us, checking in with us, stressing us out, and being vulnerable with us. They have invested in us. We bring out the best in them, and they bring out the best in us, in an upward spiral that brings out the best in friendship.
The theory of risk regulation reveals just how harmful husks can be to our culture. When we criticize someone at the last minute, we make them more insecure because we signal that we don’t value them—as opposed to making people feel comfortable investing in us. Instead of putting them in a pro-relationship mode, we turn them into a self-protective mode, and they stop communicating with us. Of course, when we flirt, we don’t always mean to convey that we don’t like the person, but no matter what our intentions are, the effect is the same. I was guilty of this myself. A friend of a friend invited me to her birthday, and it was later in the evening and cold. I RSVPed yes, but as the clock ticked on, I didn’t want to get out. This friend never let me out again, she even told our mutual friend how badly I hit her, and that she was worried I didn’t like her.
What should we do instead? How can we use affection to make people feel safe enough to invest in us? If we meet a potential boyfriend at happy hour, instead of checking our messages during the conversation, we can greet them warmly and stay engaged. If we want our new friend to invite us over for pizza, when they text to ask how we’re doing, instead of saying “It’s OK”, we can say, “It’s so good to hear from you! There’s so much I wanted to tell you” . If we want our friends to keep us updated on their lives, when they tell us they’ve won an award, instead of saying “That’s cool,” we say, “I’m so proud of you! I don’t know who deserves this more!” Although when we crave connection, We tend to focus on our needs, when we stop thinking about whether we belong and turn to making others feel we belong, we will inevitably belong too.
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