Walking along the beach, I began to feel a magnetic pull from the rolling white hats forty yards. I staggered to where the water rushed over the sand in the waves, and froze. Watching wave after wave roll, I stared into the blue abyss until the wet sand began to crumble under my weight. The siren called me to continue walking into the depths of the angry ocean. I could disappear and no one would notice. Or even if someone eventually did, it would be too late.
In those moments of quiet contemplation, I thought of my children, my work, and the little remaining of my faith. I was a complete failure in every part of my life. Maybe everything and everything would be better if I wasn’t around. I closed my eyes and took another step towards the waves. Then another. As I descended into the vortex void, I felt an overwhelming sense of peace. It was as if the angry waves and tumbling waters were completely reflecting the inner turmoil. Even though I was being shocked by the waves, the pressure in my body suddenly flipped like a light switch. I was ready to keep advancing to a place I might not return from.
I stood in the water with my eyes closed and checked my mind. Surrendered to my circumstances, I continued to advance step by step. When the water surrounded me, I had no sense of time. The time is completely irrelevant when you end your life. I continued submerging, feeling the spray of water over my shoulder as my feet struggled to connect with the ocean floor. When my head finally reached the water, I knew I would find the peace I had been so desperately searching for. Instead, something very different happened.
Suddenly I was afraid of hell. My eyes exploded with a shot of adrenaline as I coughed up the salt water. My body was letting me know I was lying to myself! I do not want to die. In fact, I was terrified of death because I still had so much life to live, even though my foggy mind couldn’t see it. I turned my back on the raging waves and made my way to land.
When I got to the beach, I lay on the sand and stared at the endless stars piercing the night sky. For a moment, the world felt so big and my problems were so small. I realized that what I really want is to be a better man, father, and leader. That incident proved to me that if I didn’t make a change, I would die in Lexington, Ohio.