It’s that time again.
A time to transform hearth and home into a hellscape of landfill-bound fripperies.
A time to trade the quinoa salads and avocado ice cream for mom’s deep-fried mac ‘n cheese balls stuffed with pizza rolls stuffed with a molten core of sugar-soaked gummy worms.
And perhaps most importantly, a time to offer moonlit sacrifices of cured grinch hides and spiced elf organs to the dimension-hopping Antediluvian demi-god Santa Claus and his battalion of bionic beast-deer-creatures forged in the Third Epoch of Prehistory to do battle with the dead-eyed demon prince Krampus for command of the multiverse—
You know what? This is pretty irrelevant. Moving on.
What I really wanted to say was . . .
MERRY CHRITHMITH AND HAPPY HOLLANDAISE!
I hope you and yours are relishing many moments of joyous merriment and reveling in all of their pine-scented, butter-lubed, and tinsel-laden glory.
And what will next year bring?
Will the “I’m not a crook just an idiot” defense exonerate Scam Bankrun-Fraud and his owl-faced polyamorous collaborator?
Will the two weeks of transitory, safe and effective, and mostly peaceful inflation finally end?
Will we find ourselves spearing mutated acid hogs in the blasted ruins of Toad Suck, Arkansas?
Who can know?
At any rate, my merry band of mice and men . . . and women . . . have laid wondiferous plans for 2023 that’ll get you purring like a dog that ate a happy cat, including . . .
- New and upgraded products to instabuy, including an energy drink, protein cookie, Pulse and Recharge improvements (new ingredients!), apparel, and more.
- New flavors of existing products to take a flier on, including rainbow sherbert and pina colada Pulse; apple pie, coconut cream, and frosted cereal Whey+; sour candy and arctic blast Recharge; and more.
- New sales channels and international shipping options to better separate you from your coinage, including Amazon UK, WalMart.com, and Target.com.
- New content to graze on, including fourth editions of my books Bigger Leaner Stronger and Thinner Leaner Stronger, new website tools, blog articles, podcasts, and more.
And that’s just the quick hose down, of course—many details to follow.
Oh and because this can’t be said enough:
Bless your cotton socks for your support.
Really.
If this were another era, I’d build a temple to your glory, tear out my eyes with a ceremonial spoon, become your oracle, prophesy the doom of all who oppose you, and sing hymns about your nascent godhood with my tongueless mouth.
But alas, this is the Current Year, and so, if it pleases Your Grace, I offer my eternal gratitude instead.
YES, ETERNAL 👏 GRATITUDE 👏
AS IN, MY SPECTRAL SERVICE ACROSS THE INFINITY OF SPACE AND TIME.
Like it, love it, rub it all over yourself.
Oh, and one more thing:
For the sake of Santa’s sacred nipples, don’t count calories on Christmas.
Feast. Drink. Hug your loved ones. Hakuna matata.
*moonwalks*
*disappears*
Mike
P.S. More than a few people have said they want to get me a gift for the holidays, which is a sweet gesture . . . unless it’s a box of Maricopa harvester ants . . . no, the thought doesn’t count . . . and to that I say:
If you want to get me something, then maybe buy a copy of one of my books? Or leave a review for one of them wherever you buy books online?
We authors love to sell books. And get reviews.
In fact, the only reason you’re receiving this email is because many kind people started doing both of those things ten years ago when I released the first edition of Bigger Leaner Stronger, so either of them would really tickle the reptilian pleasure centers of my brain this Christmas.
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