hHoliday traditions say it’s better not to mess up, it’s better not to cry. But that’s all some of us want to do during the holiday season, when the pressure to be festive is so intense, anyone who doesn’t comply risks being declared the Grinch or Scrooge.
There are plenty of reasons one might not like the holidays, including strained family relationships, the chaotic logistics of travel, and the pressure to buy lots of gifts (in this economy). All of them are true, mental health experts say.
“Just like some people like chocolate and some don’t, some people don’t like things associated with the holidays. There may be religious overtones that they don’t appreciate,” says Dr. Jessica Bychkowski, a Florida-based psychotherapist. They may not want to go outside when it’s cold outside. Some people don’t like the noise — or the music — around the holidays, and think it’s either cheerful or obnoxious.”
If this sounds familiar, it’s important to focus on the things that bring you back. This includes things throughout the year—Get enough sleep practice, and Easy going on alcohol— as well as activities that really lift you up. This is the time to get that massage, take yourself to the movies, and surround yourself with your favorite things.
If you dread decorating the halls, here are five ways to handle it better this holiday season.
Communication.
Illustration by Brown Bird Design for TIME
Maybe you don’t want to have a silent night — and then another. There is so much focus on teamwork during the holidays that those without a busy calendar may feel it isolated and sad. Be open about it. “Don’t be afraid to say to someone, ‘I’m on my own.'” what are your plans says Dr. Sue Varma, a New York-based psychiatrist. Many people will respond by extending an invitation; Perhaps the only reason they haven’t already is because they didn’t realize you would be available or interested.
You can also find new friends and things to do via platforms like We meet And the next sectionPharma recommends. Another way to surround yourself with people is volunteeringEven if it’s not something you plan to do the rest of the year. Sign up to visit residents at a local nursing home, bake cookies for first responders, adopt a cat, or serve food at a homeless shelter. You’ll get to socialize, and everyone you help will be grateful for the company – a win-win from any angle.
Set boundaries.
Illustration by Brown Bird Design for TIME
Many people experience the holidays due to strained family relationships. Setting boundaries is key, Varma says: Tell your mom you’ll join her for Thanksgiving, but only with her new husband and not with a new husband with whom you don’t get along. Or, if you don’t have the ability to deal with your uncle political opinionsLet your family know you’ll see him in a large group (not sitting right next to you at dinner).
Prepare some lines to shut down any unwanted conversations. If someone talks about politics and you don’t want to get involved, say, “I’m not here to talk about it, but I’d like to talk about this delicious food, or the amazing athletes playing soccer today,” suggests Maria Kelsch, a California-based psychotherapist.
If you’re worried your guests will bring up a thorny personal issue, address it right after they arrive. You might say, “Todd and I broke up. It was really hard. I’d appreciate it if we couldn’t talk about it, because I really want to enjoy being here with all of you,” suggests Bychkovsky. “It sounds scary, but if you say it once, if these people are a little sane, they won’t talk about the thing you asked them not to talk about.”
Let yourself feel sad.
Illustration by Brown Bird Design for TIME
Every year, Beachkofsky hears from people Get over the sadness At the idea of spending the holidays without someone who is no longer here. Her best advice? “You have to feel the feelings,” she says. “If you’re sad and everyone else is happy, you’re entitled to that feeling.” One way to cope, Bychkovsky says, is to let a supportive friend or family member know that you’re struggling. Ask if you can call them any time you need permission. Then, you’ll know you have someone to turn to who simply won’t tell you to be happy and have another cookie.
It can also be helpful to find ways to honor the person — or people — you’re grieving. Did you sign up for a special tradition, like always going to a Trans-Siberian Orchestra together or making a popcorn wreath for the tree? “Find a way to incorporate that into the season,” says Stephanie Woolley, a licensed professional counselor based in Texas. Or make a special decoration or photo collage that reminds you of your loved one. “You can even mark a spot on the table to remember them,” she says.
Be flexible with travel.
Illustration by Brown Bird Design for TIME
Travel It can be a logistical nightmare during the busiest time of the year. If you don’t want to shell out cash for a plane ticket at peak times, or if you’re afraid of crowds and long delays, offer a compromise to your long-distance relatives. Varma suggests, “Just say, ‘We’re not going to celebrate Christmas on December 25th—we’ll do it on February 1st.’” Then, you can eliminate a major source of stress—and have something to look forward to throughout the holiday season.
Be cool with gifts.
Illustration by Brown Bird Design for TIME
processing inflation Still causes prices for almost everything mounting. If high costs are stressing you out, take that stress away. First, tell your family members that you need to be more conservative about gifts this year, advises Varma. Those with a large family might draw names and only buy for one or agree that only the kids will get gifts.
And realign your view of what makes a good gift. As Varma points out, people love getting homemade desserts or other inexpensive but thoughtful offerings—”something as simple as homemade pesto,” she says. If you’re gifting someone you know who values time with you, book a yoga class or plan to cook a special meal together. “There are many ways to be creative that don’t require a lot of money,” she says.
More must-read books from TIME
Discussion about this post